How Do You Get Over A Loved One's Death? I am having such a hard time.
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Surviving the Worst year of my Life
When 2002 started, I was actually looking forward to turning 30. I was leaving my crazy 20's behind and entering adulthood, as I saw it. I just never expected that becoming an adult meant dealing with so much loss. I had a a pretty good life up until then. The normal ups and downs, nothing to out of the ordinary.
I am not trying to quantify my loss, but it helps with the big picture. I was 29 years old wife and mother of 2 boys ages 3 and 7 months, married for 5 years.
January 31-blew out my knee with a completely torn ACL and Meniscus--February 23-my best friend's husband passes away at the age of 30--March-Knee Surgery--May-turn 30--May-My brother and 2 friends were killed in a boating accident--July-my grandmother loses her 5yr battle with cancer--Feb 2003-my husband tells me he has been unfaithful.
One blow right after the other. My first loss was of my super woman idea of being indestructable. Then I have to help one of my best friends through one of the most devestating losses of her and her 2 daughters lives. They lost a young vibrant husband and father. Then it was my turn to experience the worst loss I have ever had to deal with.
Losing a loved one is so hard to comprehend not matter what the relationship is. In my situation it was my only brother. My big brother. One of the people in my life who knew just about all there was to know about me. (isn't is funny how I keep saying me and my) How was I going to get thorugh the rest of my life without being able to call him, hug him, see him. I greived for all the times that he was not going to be a part of. He left behind a wife and an almost 2 year old boy. I greived for the loss my mom had to feel. They were as close as a mother and son could be. I greived for my dad, because they had just gotten close again. I greived for me. I was the rock though. I was the strong one. I helped my mom deal with her loss and my dad as well, but I was angry that they did not think of me and my grief, my loss. Where was my comfort I wondered? After the funeral, at which I spoke to an overflowing church filled to brim with friends and family, I retreated to the safety of my home and what I thought I could control. Things had began to spin so out of control, the only place I felt safe was at home doing my daily routine. My grandmother passing was a loss I could handle better. She had been fighting a very painful form of cancer for 5 years. She showed so much grace and dignity in her fight and she taught me the meaning of strength. The doctors gave her 6 months when she was diagnosed and she lived 5yrs. My husband being unfaithful was the icing on the cake. Whole nother topic. But to have the bottom just to drop out of your life is hard to handle. That is where I found myself after that year.
The things that got me through:
Knowing that no matter what happens, the sun will still come up tomorrow and I will be here to see it. With my brother being taken so unexpectedly, you learn to cherish the days you have and the people who have to share them with.
Take happiness where you can find it. Take it in the little things. I look at a beautiful sunset and think of the people I have lost. To me, that is them sharing that moment with me. For some reason, everytime I see a butterfly, I feel that it is my brother checking things out. He was an avid bug collecter as a kid. He loved monarch butterflies, those are the ones I notice fluttering around. A part of me believes that is him coming to check in on me. The small things eventually turn into bigger things.
The biggest one is to know that, You will never be given more than you can handle. I truly belive this. I did questioned it at times. I asked why me, what more do I have to deal with, how much more do I have to deal with. I cried, I broke down, I wanted to hide.
All I have to say is that I am still standing and I have come out the other side a stronger, wiser woman. It is not what you do in the moment of loss, it is how you handle the loss and come out the other side. The pain of the loss lessons with time. The sense of loss never truly goes away, it just dulls with time. You start to remember the fun, the laughter, instead of the tears and hurt.
I also attribute my work and my passion that has helped me get through my sense of loss. For the past 2 years I have worked as an Agent with United First Financial. I knew that I needed to do more with my life. I had a bigger purpose and a need to help people. United First Financial and their product, the Money Merge Account has given me that opportunity. The gratification I get from helping people get out from under the debt that they are in, helps me as much as it helps them.
I wish you a safe passage on your journey. I wish you strength and courage to make it thorugh the rough times.
Kim
Strength You Never Knew You Had
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Great hub Kim. This is a hard subject to help people with because everyone's life up to that point of loss is so different. All the best with your continued healing. Sounds like you have a good solid handle on your life. Keep up the great "works". Rodney
Kim, great and honest Hub. For the record, I LOVE that scene from "Facing the Giants" and it's probably one of my favorite movies!
We don't ever get "over" losing someone we love, we learn how to "live" though it.I never thought I could live without my best friends, my parents, and now they are both gone, and somedays, the lonliness is almost unbearable- still- but it doesn't "jab" as deep as it did- more of a mellowing sadness.My mom and dad would still cry 40 years after they lost my sister, and now I understand why. The pain never goes away, it just becomes more bearable, I guess,Condolences on the loss of your brother, he sounds like a great brother.
Kim, a great hub, one that took a great deal of 'inner self' to write. Grief is one of those things we all have to face at one time or another, and we all will experience diferently, that is what makes us grow.
I have dealt with my losses, by turning to writing, here on the hub, and fictionalising my past into a novel, which I hope to get published. It is by writing down what transpired, that you can sometimes gain an insight, into what you need to carry away with you, as you move onwards with the rest of your life.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
this is a good work thumbs up
Kim,
Thanks for sharing such tough things. I had no idea you had gone through all of that. No wonder you are such a strong person. You have had to be. My heart goes out to you and I know if anyone can do it, you can. My favorite quote right now is "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Phillipians 4:13) You are an amazing woman and one of my heroes. Thank you for sharing. My life seems much easier today.
Hi Kim,
No wonder you are such a leader Kim, you have been through some of the worst lessons life can deal. After losing my daughter in '99 I became pretty much a zombie and just going through the motions in life. Always an avid reader I became obsessed with reading books on the subject of loss. I found my joy in life after I started horseback riding again. This is the reason I started writing my blog about riding as a way to share that joy.
I loved the video it just goes to show if you have someone encouraging and pulling with you you can do more than you ever thought possible.
Several quotes I love: "When a loved one becomes a memory, a memory becomes a treasure". and "You now have an angel whose name you know".
My sign that my daughter is with me is finding a penny. It happens whenever I am really happy and I know as a sign from her that she is smiling down on me and enjoying my happiness and saying "way to go Mom".
One of the things that got me through some of the worst times was asking myself if she would want me to be miserable, soggy mess or if she would want me to become a stronger, more vibrant person and therefore able to show someone else that they can survive loss and actually be joyful afterwards.
Thank you Kim for sharing.
Ok, that touched me. Can you say tissue??? You rock!
Thanks for sharing that Kim. Thanks for opening the curtain and letting us look in.
You have a lot that you are working your way thourgh and get thourgh you will.
God bless you Kim. I will be putting you on my prayer list. Holding you and your husband up to the throne of His grace.
Brian
Hi Kim
When I was younger, high school, I lost three friends, at different times to accidents. It is never easy and certainly makes you think about life more deeply. Fortunately I haven't lost any of my close family members but I often think about it and so keep in touch with them often, because you never know.
You are a great leader. Thanks for all your work.
My favorite Teacher recently passed away of cancer and this really helped me thank you so much for the advice
Thanks Kim for your very inspiring letter. My darling husband died 4 months ago and although folk see me as a strong woman, I am personally battling to come to terms with the loss of my dearest companion and very best friend. Like Amy (comment above), I too have Phillipians 4:13 as my mantra which does carry me through but oh I miss him so very much. Hope it gets better to handle over time, so that I may be able to help others with grief when the time comes.
I was very touched by your life so many losses in such a short time not sure why that happens but it seems to happen to us doesnt it? You sound like you are finding your peace with it you never really get over losing the people you love and you along the way have health issues that are serious enough along with it that is hard to cope with without the support of your loved ones but God is always there to walk us through it all never lose faith in that it is so easy to do but He is there always take care!
I really, really enjoyed the post you made. My brother passed away yesterday. I am having a pretty hard time. I don't think it's hit me all the way. I don't know what to do or how to feel or anything. All I know is that I feel like I'm at a stand still and everyone else is doing whatever they do. I don't understand why God took him. He was only 23 years old. :( I wish I had someone to help me through this. Ty for ur post... take care and God bless you.
get over it so what move on gadd you sappy people
I just lost my mother, suddenly, with no previous signs. She passed away while staying in her bed and my kids were watching cartoon.
They did not feel that she passed away, they thought she was sleeping, and when i came back from work, i discovered the loss, just 15 minutes after she passed away. i am a lonely child and my mom was my friend, support, and everythng.
I feel reallllly and deeply sad, i feel sorrow, i am trying to act normally in front of my kids but i will explode.
I am praying and praying, i do not know what i can do...
it is getting worse day after day, 6 days have passed and sorrow is increasing day after day...
Dalia
Thank you, I needed this so very much.
i lost my daughter jan 21 2012 very unexpected she died of a drug overdose i am sure she didnt do this on purpose but my pain is still the same i lost my oldest daughter and she was my best friend we did so much togather she was 36 yrs old and had been dealing with mental illness for years i helped her with money and she helped me with being her i will never be the same again everywhere i go and do she is their we lived togather and helped oneanother she will be forever missed
Froggy213 Level 4 Commenter 4 years ago
Very good hub Kim--welcome to hubpages!